PAGE MOVED!

IT IS OFFICIAL!
i have moved my blog somewhere else.
all my photos and postings will now be at:


http://streamingwithlove.tumblr.com/

PLEASE GO AND CHECK IT OUT (:

hot sex, vodka and cigarettes.

ready, set, go.

i'm very into photography and art,
it's how i express myself.

i want to love you from the very tips of my toes to the top of my head. i want to love you to the very core of your soul. i want to fall so madly and deeply in love with you that it feels as if nothing is real anymore. i want to get swallowed up and lost in your heart. i want to need you with all my being and have comfort in knowing you need me just as much. i want to be your forever kind of love, the one where there is no distance, dilemma or force that could affect us, no mountain that could keep us apart. i want to be the one you love so passionately that you never forget a single detail of my face, i want our love to be the kind where you can be miles away but i can close my eyes and know the exact feel of your hand, your face, your hair. i want to love you so fully that i know the exact rhythm of your breathing, i want to love you so hard that it feels as if my heart will burst. i want us to love completely, one another, until there is no world left, and for our love to be so strong that even once this world is gone, our souls are still soaring in the universe entertwined for eternity. i want to love you with everything i've got and show you just how true love can be.

wait, obey, breathe, eat, suffer, repeat.

where is the sustenance to life? it vanished when they put the shackles around your wrists. the corruption builds in a world of materialistic, power-hungry demons, in a world of lost authoritative icons whose hands are black with sin, in a world where there are no longer morals when it comes to death and we all just hurt to hurt, in a world where another's suffering is someone else's pleasure. we are all sadomasochistic sick fucks, we live in pain we cause ourselves and we thrive off the sweet knowledge of another's misery. where is this america they spoke of in our youth? the land of liberty, life and freedom? it never existed, it was a fucking lie. the world is controlled by the sick greed of mankind, enslaved by the constant need for money and power, the constant struggle to be on top. we are a disgusting and shameful race, humans. so many of our species has lost all true meaning to what it means to be a person. they walk about, like robots, cold, steel robots from an assembly line, lacking all compassion, integrity, strength, courage and the will to believe in magic and love, the will to believe in hope. nowadays humans drown in self-loathe, hatred, anger, sadness, and sin. enslaved by their own corruption. we are nothing more than slaves, created to obey. obey communistic dictation, obey parental demands, obey materialistic cravings, obey greed, lust and gluttony, obey the educational system, obey, obey, obey. we are all slaves to a higher power than ourselves, we can all be broken down by something. we are all born to obey something, i was born to obey love. i was born to obey hope, to obey inspiration and dreams, to obey the compassion within my heart. i refuse to let my anger swallow me, to fall in line with the rest of the unfeeling fucks around me. i will sacrifice to show this world some light, i will stretch my arms to the sky and watch them reach out like branches to the clouds. my mind will expand as i live, as i embrace the aspects of each virtue in life. i will not be another carbon copy of enslavement, i will soar and break free from this indignity and i will open the eyes of other's to a new world, one of magic, belief, and dreams.

finally new writing!

telepathic connections and scattered directions,
ruffie-induced sleeps and drunken confessions,

cigarette burns mark up your arms

and the pills you pop set off violent alarms,

the bottom line is that life is dangerous,

and this sickness we have is highly contagious.

i see you, i hear you, do you hear me? i know you do.
open your eyes, let's cut to the chase,
walking through life like it's acid-laced.
i can see your face, hear your heartbeat race,
i want to rip you down from your fucking grace.
violent screams in a silent world, have you opened your eyes yet?
i pulled them from their sockets and left them bleeding down your face.
did you hear that? of course not, you're part of the conspiracy.
slurred words and thoughts clatter deliriously,

in the chaos and calamity of your undergoing insanity, it's a fucking mental tyranny.
you can't taste the corruption because you have no tongue.
you're a zombie, walking aimlessly.
no direction, no voice, no sanity.
another mindless robot off an assembly line, here it comes, another suicide.
go ahead, and make that climb, -i dare you to fucking jump.
in a struggling world what equals power?
the same violence repeated for hours,
bodies stacked in a blood and bone tower,
your soul is what this greed devours,
those seven deadly sins begin to melt your mind in a recycle bin
of repetition of the same old shit.
vindication, sick self-mutilation, life so full of mindless complications,
shut the fuck up! ... now listen,
silence if fucking golden, and thus the cycle repeats again.

my heart is patiently waiting as the wind whispers your name,

a neverending rollar coaster ride, a violent mental mind-fucked game,

i drown in your eyes, you take my hand and our lips touch.

electricity; you seduce me.

and it's ecstacy.

these aren't really poems or anything, they're peices i wrote while i was on E one day, and i must admit, they're eerie.

i can see them. i can see you.

i hear the words but i have no response- i can't respond.

someone's taped my mouth shut, fuck.

voices, voices, voices, voices.

your voice, their voices; not mine.

when can i take this damn tape off?

yes! it's finally off..

i scream, it goes back on.

didn't i leave this place?

i went home, i remember the walk.

but when i close my eyes, i'm there again.

i'm losing it, oh fuck.

i need to relax and remember..

it's just a drug thing. just a drug thing.

back and forth, back and forth,

good and bad, yes and no.

i should stop, but it's fun, but it's dangerous.

but it numbs, but it's artificial, but it's real.

but.. it's winning, and i don't like to lose.

burn wall.

( so basically my friend suggested this, it's shit i've written for people

and who, and yeah. not good shit either.)


try as you might, you all will never break me down. in the end i am my own worst enemy and you're all just sideline drama. - directed to : all the middletown girls i had problems with.

i'm weighed down by the chains of your ignorance. you all need to either grow up and expand or get the fuck out. - directed to : christian grau and megan gonzalez and danny torruelles and others i can't recall completely.

you talk so much, but that's it. there are no actions behind your words, you don't even have the respect for yourself or anyone else to confront anyone. so look in the mirror and know your place bitch, before i put you in it. you're just a carbon copy of me, with more flaws. stop trying to write with my flow, stop trying to act more mature, because in the end i'll always tower over you in every attribute. - directed to : megan gonzalez.

i pity the person you are because there's no strength that lies within you, no compassion or determination, you lack courage, you lack soul, you're just another among the masses that blend in. you let the world turn you cold and you inhale spite and drip with antagonism. you're chained by stupid choices, and i'm watching you sink 'cus i'll no longer help you. - directed to : christian grau.

ESCAPE.

white castle burgers, straight hours of eminem and ice cream.

so basically pure insanity has been creeping its way in through the back of my mind, little by little each day. to the point where i could see, hear, taste, and feel myself breaking down; crumbling. so i ran, i ran away to a haven i knew i'd be trapped in so that i wouldn't be pulled back to jersey city just because i missed one person. it's foriegn to me though, these feelings. i feel like i'm being trapped by myself, as in by me. but then again, i feel free. i'm crazy, and i accept that completely. there is no sanity within the world any longer, society does not accept sanity. they do all that they can to push you and push you until you've lost it all, until you join us, join the insane. i can rejoice now, though, that i've finally run away from jersey city and can stay away for a while. stay away from the drama. or at least most of it because unfortunately dramatics is something that follows us all everywhere, somehow. it drives me crazy, how fucking idiotic individuals can be. why don't you all just SHUT THE FUCK UP. GROW THE FUCK UP. GET THE FUCK OUT. stop wasting your fucking life away on stupidity. stop making idiotic choices and actually fucking think. life is short and abrupt, you have no time to waste it. NONE.

SNOW WHITE; the whore.

mirror mirror on the wall, is how the saying goes,
who's top dog of these streets the bitter bitch must know,
the question is answered with a smirk from the man behind the glass,
miss snow white with rose red lips and a surely slammin' ass.
by these crude words the queen steps back, rage evident in her eyes,
"well that little brat is done for good, she can kiss her fame goodbye."
the queen set out to find a man willing to do her crime,
to get her own hands dirty with blood? nah, she didn't have the time.
finally she found the one who would carry out her demands,
to murder snow white and bring back her heart, still warm within his hands.
he set out at once to fulfill his task but in the plan there was a snair,
he hadn't known that the girl he was after would ever look so fair,
instead of death he warned miss white and told her to run far away,
and thus she did, she ran all night and hitchiked throughout the day.
but the world is a sick and dangerous place for lost, little, young girls,
and lil' white learned this the hard way as her demise began to unfurl,
one night she decided to accept a ride, as tired as she was,
the dumb lil' chick accepted a drink, unknowing that it was drugged.
her mind began to slip away and the driver eyed her with a grin,
the stupid bitch was so screwed and thus her downfall will now begin.
when she came back to she opened her eyes and gasped in fright and shock,
there she was in a pitch black room, naked and chained in locks.
through a door came seven men, each with sick, twisted smiles,
they gagged her up, pinned her down and her body each one defiled.
and from then on little white was lost in a world where there was no light,
and every day she could do nothing more but cry and struggle to fight.
she roamed the corners like her masters ordered, scantily dressed and batting her eyes,
until a car pulled up to the curb and took the slut for a ride.
once she was done, all banged up and knees blue and black,
she was paid and dropped until the next night when surely she'd be back.
the days played out all the same, the skank gettin' money for her pimps,
and along the line the little girl picked up some sexual tricks.
but poor lil' white was degraded and lost, crying every day,
until she found a lovely way to take all the pain away.
pill after pill she popped into her mouth, her eyes rolling back as she drank,
a bottle of vodka slipped from her hands as her mind began to go black.
thus little white turned all pale, and her lips lost all trace of hue,
and when the seven men came back home they hadn't a clue what to do.
"shit, the bitch offed herself, we're so completely fucked!"
"nah, chill we'll throw her in the river, no one'll find her in that muck."
so they grabbed her lifeless body and carried it to the place,
and dumped her corpse in the water, everything sinking but her face.
her blank eyes glared at them from her souless body until finally it sank,
and the seven men left for good, blew all their cash on crank.
back at the castle the wicked witch looked into the mirror again,
"mirror, mirror, on the wall now tell me who's the best, my friend."
the mirror cackled and looked at the woman with an aggitated twitch,
"even dead, snow white's the shit and you're just a tired ol' bitch."

i wrote this for someone, recently. unfortunately, i'm a tad rusty,

since i haven't been writing in quite some time,

but this person, well, they brought back that urge to do so,

let's just say, i was inspired. very much inspired.

and to that person, i have this to say,

and hopefully you'll remember the random conversation we had that pretains to the following (:

- i looked it up, the sun does rise in the east and set in the west.

i know you're scared, 'cus i'm scared too,

but i'm willing to risk it all, all for you.

the sun will rise in the east and set in the west,

but this feeling in my heart ceases to rest.

that is, until you're by my side again,

and not for just this moment, but until forever's end.

with eyes so intense they captivate my being,

god, that smile of yours leaves my head reeling,

this feeling, i'm keeping, there's no chance that i'm leaving,

in your arms, i'm dreaming, for that kiss, i'm feening.

a faraway glance leaves me breathless,

this climbing tension fails to rest,

you're worth it all, storm clouds and thunder,

any ocean, there's no doubt i'd drown under,

i won't hesitate to walk through fire, ice, and glass,

to sacrfice something, there's no need to ask,

i would risk it all, whatever i'd have to do,

as long as it was for you, just and only you.

- destiny isabella f.

when the air kisses my skin and there's nothing around me but the world and the music that's playing from my headphones, drowning everything out, my mind does an out of body departure and soars towards the stars. so far, far past the ground i stand on, far past the clouds that shade me, far past the moon, the planets, the sun, past everything and everyone until it's reached a certain point of timeless space and zero-gravity. floating there, while it sorts through the events that unfolded throughout the day, sorting through words and images. and when all the knowledge is settled, neat and compact, my mind spirals back towards me, cradling its revelations gently. life is so short, so traumatic, and yet so intensely beautiful. everything, no matter how simple or how complex, is always filled with the passion that life brings us. it offers us so many options, so many different routes to take, paths to walk down, with countless outcomes, until we reach one inevitable end. but isn't the ride amazing? walking home, the steady rhythm of my footsteps on the concrete in beat with the pound of the music playing in my ear, i just let my thoughts run away. tangle together and mesh with beauty, and some thoughts made me realize so much. there was such a simplicity in realizing how honestly happy i was that it left me breathless. i have such incredible people to spend my days with, to make me smile and laugh, and although there are those who may drive me up a wall from time to time, i still hold the dearest love for them. i've gone through only a piece of my lifetime and already my eyes have witnessed so much, my soul has experienced such heights and i've overcome such odds. and when i think about it, god it's astounding. to think that if one little thing had been altered, if there had been the slightest change in time or steps or anything, then a piece of your history could be completely erased and thus possibly creating a chain-reaction and altering an event ahead of that. an entire domino effect. if i'd changed a single thought, a single beat in my step, one slight shift of wind, everything could be different. but would you really want it to be? all the obstacles that i've come out of, with all the scenes i've witnessed, are what i am derived from. i am currently the person i am now, standing before you all, due to each sequence. my eyes have seen bloodshed, they've gone through countless hours of tears, my body, my soul and mind have metaphorically gone through hell and came out with only but several burns.

if we could somehow invert the images of what we see now, we might see the true colors of everyone, the proof of what scars they hold. i know that if i stood under a black light you'd see the stains life has left on me. tar dripping off of cut up skin, but my chest would have a shining hole, a light that would blind you because that's where my heart is placed and that is what keeps me going. chains would drag from my ankles and wrists, but i'd be able to walk each step with strength because i know that within me i have the power to always go on. it doesn't matter how far i sink, how many hands drag me farther down, i will always persevere to the top. i will always come out with a stronger soul. and you know what? i'll never have to do it alone, because in this world i have found those hearts that hold me. those hands that will lift me up even if my sky falls down. through all the storms that we still have to face, i know they'll be by my side. and dear god do i love them for it, i thrive off of their love and devotion, i thrive off of their happiness. i'd sacrifice my life, my all and everything for their smiles to live on for eternity, because i'd be nowhere near where i am without having had them. without their laughter, their voices, their smiles and their love, i would not be me. i am a piece of all of those around me, they are who i am, they are who created me, and all the compassion, all the hope and integrity that i give to the world is because of the purity in their hearts that i see. such beautiful people, with such honest hearts inside of them. they may never be able to see it, but dear lord do i. i see so much potential in them all. i see so much light within each of them, they are the stars that scatter across my night, they are always and forever going to be my reason to live, i can never emphasize that enough. they are who i am continuing for. all my struggles, all my hardships? i fight through for them, because they are the light at the end of my tunnel.

MEGAN ELIZAH JOY GONZALEZ.

it's a shame i wrote this for a girl who never appreciated my friendship,

but instead made it seem real on the surface when in fact underneath it all, it was hollow.

i see so much beauty in you. unyielding generosity and such strength, but every now and then i see it waver and it kills me. there is so much that life has to offer you, but sometimes i witness you pass it up. god, i don't want you to. i want you to realize how much you have within you, and to grab hold of that and just force it out. you need to push, climb your way to the top. you have your whole life to sort through all these little things. lost love, new love, unrequited love and unfound love, these little crushes, the scraps and bruises, the tears and angry words, there's time for all that, but right now you need to be you. all of you, and not hide that from the world ever, because the purity that i see inside that heart of yours in endless. your're so much more lovely than words can express. don't let the little things tear that pretty smile from your face, ever; it's too beautiful a sight to see. you have so much more left to see, so much more room to grow and so many more people to meet. things may seem hard now, but they will only get harder so you shouldn't dwell on the past nor the things that try to get you down now. there is no time for complaints of even the smallest of things, because there is too much that you have to smile about. and through whatever you go through, you know i will be there. i don't care what happens or how things get, i don't care about anything but making sure you're okay. i will always be there to hold you when you're crying, i will always be there, tissue in hand, wiping the tears and running makeup from your face. you will always be able to count on me because you've shown me that you'll be there to care about me no matter what. you gorgeous girl, you've pulled me through a lot. you've given me so many reasons to smile, you've given me so much love and hope, that i could never deny you my devotion. you mean so much more to me than you'll ever know, and no matter what, no matter how i'm feeling, no matter how bad things get, that fact will never change. you'll always be my little sister, and i will always be there to love you and to try my best to protect you. never doubt that. ever.

MORE TO COME..

MEET THE GIRL BEHIND THE WORDS;

if only there were enough letters, words and time in the world, then maybe i could tell you my whole story, but i doubt that the human attention span can endure that much. i'll shed some light on you all though. my name, in its entirity, is Destiny Mariah Isabella Frometa, and it's going to stay that way. i am eighteen years old, i'll be ninteen january twenty fourth of the year 2011. i was born and raised a jersey girl, jersey city precisely, but i'm not your average, run-of-the-mill, i'll-fuck-you-up-if-you-so-much-as-look-at-me-the-wrong-way, jersey city girl. i have depth to my character, i think with the mind i know i have and not only with my fists. don't doubt me though, i've been in countless fights and i can handle myself effortlessly, i just happen to be smart about shit first. i'm bipolar, my moods are constant ups and downs, and i can admit i'm a very complicated girl to deal with. i often feel very alone, and i do happen to have manic lows and not casually, but i try my hardest to push past that. i love being optimistic about things, i try my best to be positive, because not only does it affect me but others as well. i'm very impulsive, i tend to go with the flow and just try my best to keep people happy, i love to have fun, what can i say? haha, i love living life with my friends by my side and a smile on my face, as rough as things may get, i come out strong. each experience we go through, any obstacle overcome, that's something that makes you stronger. no one can bring you down but yourself, your greatest enemy in this world will always be you. never let words of others hit you negatively, because in truth, the only reason people judge others without reason is because they are insecure about themselves or jealous of an attribute you have. i can talk for hours about society, my beliefs and thoughts and just the world in general. i smoke newport 100s, and yes i am aware it's a disgusting habit, but it's my choice. i have an odd taste in music. i'm an asshole to the full extent of the word. i love all forms of art, and the completely bizarre. ive been called many things, from insane to eccentric. i have strange habits and abnormal hobbies. i have those small quirks that make me who i am. i'll admit that i can be like the rest of them, the youthful trash of america, seemingly corrupted by society. i'll admit not all the choices i make in my life will be the right one, i'll mess a lot up, and i'll make many mistakes, but it's my job to get back up when i fall and learn from my encounters. i'm so much more than what you see. i have depth, i have compassion, and i have a mind that yearns to grow and explore. i have hopes and i have dreams, i have determination and i have strength. i am so much more than just another lost cause.

and patiently my heart is waiting,

while the wind is whispering your name.

yo, lil' red riding hood thought she was so brave, roaming through the mean streets of LA, bags of coke in her basket. a homicidal maniacs wet dream, lil' girl was askin'. along comes wolfy all hyped up on acid, bitch was trippin' on some other shit, a bizarre twist on this classic. strung out, wolfy was tweakin' and for little girl flesh that boy was feenin'.around the corner came lil' red hood, yeah you guessed it, our wolfy grabbed her and that bitch was done for good. she screamed and pleaded but to no prevail, defeated, she accepted her fate and began to see it, "oh wolfy, what big eyes you got there," "what big eyes," she repeated and he snapped his jaws closed and nodded in agreement. "im rollin' on that good shit, addicted, you feel me? drugs are what i gotta have, they're so good, they heal me." a devilish glint lit up her eyes, and little red told wolfy she got him a surprise, she retrieved her basket, her motions too quick for him to catch, and when she opened that shit she showed him the batch. bags upon bags of an endless white, powdery stash, and she agreed to let him have it all for her life, fuck cash. wolfy, eyes bugged out, mouth open, hastily agreed and began to snort that coke in. line after line he inhaled the substance, but things then went wrong, he fucked up, oh shit. he felt his body begin to shake, his blood pumping while his heartbeat raced. too much, too much shit all at once and now poor wolfy, that kid was dust. his eyes rolled back while his body OD'ed and there little red was, saying, "you little shit, next time don't fuck with me."

besides, the darker the walls the brighter the sky outside.

here i am again, rushing in like violent waves, the water beneath my skin pouring out to greet the world. adam and eve's garden has overflowed with calamity, destruction and chaos let loose through the preverse temptations of humanity's carnal instincts. lust, greed, gluttony, three sins banded together to overthrow all equilibrium the universe holds. and there it is, the light at the end of a darkened, dripping tunnel. a tattered, wearing thread of hope that all humanity clings so desperately to. broken wings, dripping with confusion and betrayl, torn skin and wild hair framing such a porcelain face. our fallen angel. our broken dreams and shattered spirits, all formed and molded together to rest inside the soul of this poor creature.

( i don't know where i am going with this. but i'll update it when i think of more to add. )

god, ive been drowning for so long.

the tides are rushing in, can your love save me this time?

all i need tonight, is your body heat entwined with mine.

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer,

do you know youre unlike any other?

you'll always be my thunder.

have you ever been afraid of yourself? afraid to be alone with yourself, afraid to think, to speak, to be locked inside of your mind because you dont know what may lurk inside your thoughts? i have. im the only person who truly frightens myself. your own self is always going to be your greatest enemy, you can lead to your greatest downfall. im scared to be left alone, to feel alone, because then i think. when i think, its dangerous. when i think i slip into this downward slope. sometimes my mind is so dark i dont know how to find my way out, find my way towards the light. the walls of my head drip with tar, rusty, jagged points protrude from their depths and slimy, thick vines race along the edges. my mind is tattered and worn, and everyday it wears thinner. who knows what will happen when i reach the end of my road, who knows who will be there waiting, im ready for the ride though, and anything that comes my way.

i taste the filter in my mouth, watch the smoke from my cigarette swirl up and settle into the rest of the polluted night air. the nicotine fills my system, my nerves loosen and the night is still. everything is still. a look to my left reveals empty beer cans and vodka bottles littering the surface of a hard, wooden table. a look to my right? scattered pieces of a dutch used to roll, and the bitter smell of marajuana, grey ashes and cigarette butts carelessly left in one corner. various snack foods and trash thrown about, all sorts of music heard, all holding some kind of techno, screamo or indie-esque quality. this is the scene, common teenagers, dripping with the scents of drugs, alcohol, sex, drama, indecision and smoke. our eyes dilated, our minds drunk off of simply living. can you look in the mirror, or any reflective surface, and say you are different? take that tape across your mouth off, the piece that says LIAR in bold, sharpie ink. deep down, inside of us all is each other, we are all derived from one thing, and we are all connected. we are all copies of each other, imperfect copies, that through the years took on subtle changes. if you strip us, though, rip off our masks and bleed out all our insecurities, beneath the bricks we are all hollow. we are all bones and feelings, nothing more. we are all one of the same. i close my eyes, letting the euphoria of all these revelations take over me and i sigh. its a sigh of contentment because i understand. i understand what life is, i understand reality and what surrounds me, the only thing i cant understand is myself, but im okay with that. life is adventure, experiences and moments that stay engraved on your skin and in your heart. you have all the time in the world to understand yourself, i dont want to waste the time i have to make memories on trying to analyze myself. ill grow, learn and change with every passing day, either for the better or worse. ive got scars, ive got someone screaming inside of me, and thats okay. i bask in these nights, when its just me and those who love me, surrounded by the crisp night air. the stars scattered across the sky, barely visible but you know that they are still there. crazy hormones, countless doubts, and adrenaline pumping swiftly through our thin veins. insanity, bittersweet and exhilarating. youthful nights, when you know you have all your life ahead of you, so many more stories to create and tell. when in the spur of the moment you can all hold hands and dive off a cliff without regret. the feeling of knowing you can fly, the rush of knowing these are some of the best times youll have. never let it go, because i wont. were not all robots, we are human. we are going to make so many mistakes, our emotions will control us and we will possibly drown, but the rollar coaster rides are what makes this life. the tears, the smiles, the laughter, the harsh words and rage, each is a peice of who we are, and i love it all. we will find love and lose it, we will break down and build up, we will ultimately lose our minds to gain complete sanity. are you ready? cus im not, and that's just the way i want it.

can you see it? how each day is a blessing in disguise, how each simple word, each of the smallest actions can create the largest impact. a domino effect, a chain reaction. you have so much more power in this world than you allow yourself to see. you can choose to go down a path of compassion or travel down a road of violence, permanantly searching for redemption. ive seen both sides of the mirror, peered through the looking glass and fell out into the other side. ive visited both sides of the ying yang, ive embraced both good and evil. there was a time where i was an angel amongst heaven, and a time where i fell from my grace and my wings withered away. now i struggle, i struggle to sew my wings back on and fly. i lost myself, let myself drown in pressure and deciet. i allowed my heart to be swallowed whole by lies and broken trust, let my hope be dragged through rubbish and tarnished to the point of no return. when i fell, i fell hard. i pulled myself in, vacum tight, and refused to let myself out no matter how hard i screamed inside. the stress built up until it reached the point where it overflowed, waves that overwhelmed me. i let my mind grow black and anger consume me. eventually i pulled myself out, with the hands of others who wouldnt let go, and i found myself again. i walked inside of myself and found the real me, cradled in a dark corner, tears in her eyes but strength in her smile. i took her hand and led her out of the maze that was my insanity, and allowed the sun to kiss her face at last. all of my conviction, all of my passion, it came rushing back in a flood of colors and sensations. beautiful, it was. to breathe in once more, to be able to express the compassion i had thought id lost. to finally be free.

i taste you in the air, my soul can feel you there. oh, this love has swept me into a world ive drowned in. will you come find me or leave me in this desolate wasteland? i drink in your scent, visualizing a better world for us, raining magic and song, where my voice is your lullaby. take my hand, i'll show you all the beauty this world has hidden behind darkened corners. you have no idea yet, of what i have to offer. you've never seen the world through my eyes, you've not yet witnessed the planet in the aspect that i do. hidden treasures in open spaces, beautiful magic in the simplest places.

angst-ridden teens, basking in their prepubescence. when i close my eyes its like ive opened a door to a new world, different scenarios pretaining to my deepest desires. i can feel the rush of ice water surrounding my ankles and biting my skin. a rush of chills racing over my pale skin, my blood pumping with adrenaline. i can smell it, taste the salt that's heavy in the air. i hear the crashing, the rolling of violent waves. can you see the blue water beneath my skin? our eyes are security cameras stuck within the sockets. you watch me, watch me tread the border of sanity and an abyss of nothing. you watch me, keeping your distance because you are afraid of me. they are all afraid of me, afraid that i am contagious. some would think the way my mind functions is close to insanity, not normal. there is no normalcy in this world. there is corruption, there is trauma and struggle. blood, screaming, bruises, bodies, so much hate and pain. that has become our 'normal' it has become what we live with day by day, a numbing realization. an acceptance, a welcome to pain and a lost hope for anything more. but then, there are some. some that struggle to wade their way through the murky depths of our own hell and reach towards that sliver of hope still left. and when they reach it the world sees something beautiful. light, life, love, the touch of the wind on a summer's day, the calming smell of fresh fallen rain, the sound of music coming from the summer swallows. the world takes a step outside of that darkness it had once encased itself in and breathes in the air. inhales all the magic this world has left and glows from the inside out, just as we do. our pores bursting with light, our hearts leaping, shining, singing. this is all so new to me, these feelings, these sensations. i inhale and my body processes freedom. its beautiful. its as if ive opened my true eyes and the world is nothing but colors and beauty. i can catch glimpses of the old me, the girl i kept buried beneath my slipping sanity. shes finally come back, finally clawed through it all and broke the surface. i can rest at ease now, i feel content, i feel happy, i can smile. i am almost there.

i miss you. so much.
but im waiting for you to miss me.

latest update.

h e l l o w o r l d,

so, the latest news? i'm eighteen, i've moved out of my house, and i'm currently living with a close friend. pretty crazy, huh? it's a lot better this way, though. i've relieved so much stress, and i feel completely weightless. it's a beautiful thing to go to sleep at night without feeling alone; empty. this weekend i really took a step back and evaluated myself and i can see that im doing the right thing, whats best for me and everyone else. then, i went to a party in hoboken, haha. went with my babygirl megan and had some amazing nights. from friday when i hung out with joey and crashed at erin's house, which was a ton of laughs, to saturday where we drank, smoked, and lived all night long, to sunday which was full of messy hair, cigarette smoke, car rides and oujia boards, my weekend was full of smiles and laughs. i went to my first anger management class today, one that i enrolled myself into so i can get better. it was awkward, and i had a tense feeling in my stomach, but it soon went away. i think these classes will really help. im surrounding myself with my old frends, making new memories and trying to let go of my bitter past. trying to banish the nightmares that cling to my skin, dripping with spite from my pores. im trying to push past the struggle, break through the surface of this self-torture ive been drowning myself in, and slowly it's working. and to the people i left when i moved away from my old home, im sorry. im sorry that i didnt really say goodbye and im sorry that ive seemed to have locked you all up in this little box that ive chained shut and left aside. i havent forgotten any of you, but there are a select few id rather not make total contact with just yet. there are specific reasons as to why, and whenever youd like to know, if you can guess who you few are, then ask me. i'll tell you. ive realized a lot, too. like how much people lie, even the ones youd never expected to. how different things seem and how much things change. i barely know what im saying right now, because im so tired that my eyelids are drooping. ill keep you all updated, but for now, wish me luck. im trying to be someone that can make you proud.

moremoremore.

My hearts bleeding out, desperately fleeing south
into the pits of the devil’s acidic mouth.
Blatantly your sins laid out in front of you,
bitch you’ve been trapped, now what should you do?
Scream all you want no one will hear your cries,
because once the devil’s got you you can kiss it all goodbye.
Teen pregnancies, gangbangs and rape crimes,
blown out the water as the corruption climbs,
mouth and eyes sewn shut so were nothing but mimes.
The hour glass is fucking flipped, you’ve been wasting your time.
What can you do now? Cover your eyes, run away and try to hide,
push it all aside and hide behind more lies?
You need a quick fix, go ahead, take another sip
and while youre slippin' slit your wrists.
i'll watch the blood flow out and fill that ditch
that i dug for you, pulled out all your hopes and dreams, its true,
filled it up with death and screams.
all you know is how to get fucked up,
to run your mouth and then get cut up, won't shut up,
spilling this bullshit from your mouth,
but when that jaw breaks the truth's gonna come out.
god damn it i can hear it, you can see that i feel it,
that when she screams my imagination runs wild,
the innocence in her eyes is that of a childs;
and the bloodlust that fills my eyes
is expressed through her screaming until it dies,
and all that remains after this hellish demise
is a bloodless corpse and a note left aside,
life is but a bitter sweet procrastination to your inevitable annihilation,
an assassination due to the truth’s constant fabrication,
he was so slowly possessed by Satan.
he stands in front of a jury of fallen angels,
piercing eyes and the black wings that betrayal gave them,
he pleads his case but he isn’t able to convince to them that his mind is stable.
they look at him with sick, twisted grins and their ominous words soon begin,
they scream you liar, liar. your fucking house is on fire.
this glass tastes bloody, so how ‘bout you chew it louder. coward!
turned to violence for power when he couldn’t
run away from his problems that towered,
you can’t redeem yourself from this situation,
nothing you do can vindicate this,
you’ve been swallowed into the world of homicide,
trapped due to this heinous acted crime,
shut the fuck up, it’s not fine, you have to face it,
stop running away and accept that you can’t change this,
you took your wrath and selfishly misplaced it.

FAIRYTALE.

Once upon a time, is how this story starts,
a quaint little tale that’s sure to touch your hearts.
You see, in a land unlike our own and very far away,
strange creatures were abundant and always out to play.
One of the inhabitants of this magical land,
was a pretty young girl, hair full of curls,
named Susie O’Callaghan.
Now sweet, little Susie was a quiet child,
with nothing but kindness to give,
she is the one who made this small town such a sunny place to live.

However, not all within this land consisted of smiles and laughter,
there is a possibility this story will lack any happily ever after.
You see the leader of this kingdom was a morbid one of sorts,
along with a cruel and frightening group of bestial cohorts.
A powerful fairy, his wisdom and skill outshining all those above,
however he was greatly lacking in the complex field of love.
Until one day, on a whim, he decided to take a walk,
and there she was, all alone, perched atop a rock.

This little girl named curly sue,
was sitting all alone.
When along came the fairy,
right into her view,
and began to lull a song.

'Oh sweet little girl with that sunny smile,
whatever should I do?
It seems my heart’s been stolen away,
the minute I laid eyes on you! '

“Oh charming little creature who's made of magic and love,
I know not of this spell that you are speaking of,
surely you can't have fallen so swiftly over me?
Because to my heart there is a boy who already holds the key.”

These words struck the king, and filled his heart with rage,
and with a wild wave of his magical hand he materialized a cage.
Then he roughly grabbed our gentle, bright-eyed girl,
and tossed her in behind cold bars, a caged angel framed with curls.
She screamed and yelled, frazzled and confused,
the poor, sweet darling hadn’t an idea of what to do.
She kicked, she cried, she fought with all her might,
but her efforts were to no prevail and her heart was ceased in fright.

Lucky for her there was a bird, just flying overhead,
who had witnessed the entire thing and from the scene he fled.
Flew his way all the way back to where he knew was safe and sound,
then lowered his head, closed his wings and dove back to the ground.
There the little one found the boy he knew to be as Sam,
and told him of the fairy king’s evil little plan.

Without hesitation Sam took off to save the day,
his mind ablaze with worry and not a moment to delay.
Back at the castle the king was on his feet, wildly rushing around,
making plans for a large wedding with the new wife he had found.
During all these preparations, though, little curly Sue,
sulked and in her mind could only think that this act the king would rue.

The king had little Sue dolled and made up nice,
covered in jewels and smelling like flowers, honey and spice.
With tears in her eyes, this prisoned angel walked down the aisle,
each step she took weighed her down, feeling like a mile.
When they reached the alter, the king spoke his vows with eloquence and grace,
and when it was Susie’s turn she‘d forgotten what to say.

Rage filled up the king’s eyes and if he’d spoken his words would’ve been rash,
but he never got the chance fore they were startled by a crash.
The door fell down with a resounding sound, slamming to the floor,
and there stood Samuel, tall and brave and several creatures more.
In they went and out swords sprung, a battle instantly ensued,
a vigorous, bloody, and all-around violent feud.

The king ran forth, his sword swung out, and had all aim for Sam,
but Sam was much too quick for him and cut off the King’s right hand.
Outraged and scared the king fell down to his knees,
and the room filled with his loud and begging pleas.
Samuel went to work of freeing his beloved, darling Sue,
and the two of them began to speak of what they should do.

Now it seems we are reaching the ends of this tale,
and wouldn’t you know it, it seems love did prevail.
Before we come to a complete close on this story though,
I’ll tell you what occurred after Samuel and Sue went home.
The king was overthrown, taken to a prisoner’s cell,
it seems he’d overused his power and from his grace he fell.
Soon after the trial and the king’s sentence for life,
Samuel got to one knee and asked Susie to be his wife.
The two were wed, an occasion in which all were there,
and the two lived happily ever after, full of happiness, love, and care.

a letter to my heart.

a letter to my heart,

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the torment ive put you through and all that youve dealt with from me. i'm sorry for how much you ache, and all the cracks that scar your skin. i'm sorry for all the hurtful memories and all the tears. i'm sorry for letting you be used, mistreated and abused. i am so sorry. i am so sorry for letting you be taken advantage of, for letting you be ripped and torn apart. i am sorry for letting you be so carelessly taken care of, walked all over, and bruised so badly. i am sorry for all the walls youve had to surround yourself in, and im sorry for how weak youve become. i'm sorry for all that you have had to be put through, i am sorry for how deeply youve been crushed. i am so sorry for how slowly you seem to be breaking. i know it seems like it'll never get better, but it will. you see that don't you? its already getting better, we just needed some help for us to see that light at the end of a darkened tunnel. we needed someone on our side, to pick us up and tell us to let go of the past. i know, you feel like that person is going to hurt you too, don't you? youre scared. i understand that you are and i know, that someone has already hurt you before, but it's made you better hasn't it? and everyone hurts another every now and then, dont they? but you know that this someone, well, theyve been such a big help and so fast. i can see that you realize this by the way you speed up whenever he is in the room. i see it by the way you slow down when he's near, when his lips are so close. i know by the way you seem to whisper his name with every beat. right now he's whats keeping your hopes up, right? well, i'll try my best to take care of you, and patch you up, hopefully he will too. i'm sorry though, for everything. unfortunately we don't know what is in store for us, what will happen in the future and i can't control it, nor can i change the past. we just have to keep fighting, and hopefully get stronger. just, hold on.

lovingly, me.

MORE WRITING.

to you, you my moon, my stars, my every light,
how you shine, shine ever so bright; in my life.
my north star guiding me into your arms, once more.
and tonight we lay here staring up at the sky, flying,
oh flying ever so high on the euphoric sensation of love thats you and i.
there will be no love lost and painful goodbyes
because all i see when i look into your eyes is a love that defies.
so much passion it fills me inside,
brimming with a light that shatters the night.
oh fight, fight with passion and might
to save my soul from this condemning onslaught of fright.
my prince, clad in white, armor shining and fighting the antagonistic bite
of this fairytale story thought up for young tikes,
but were no longer young, you and i.
so we dont let those lies clutter our minds.
we accept that in the end theres always goodbyes
but for once in my life i feel this flame wont die.
it will fly and my love will only intensify
and as long as you, my prince, stay by my side
i have no reason to fear this dark, deadly night.
my one and only, an angel sent to my life,
the minute we kissed my world overflowed with light.
sent from the sky to complete my heart, oh my,
and now that i have you ive banished all contrites, and i cry!
screaming towards the heavens with my eyes
that to say i can live without you is a leviathinic lie.
its true, oh true that my life, my soul is nothing but you.

WRITING

what is this? my eyes burned white with brilliance,
as i open my eyes. a new day, a new life,
with you by my everlasting side.
alas, i see now this worlds not all sin,
where dreams die, new hope can begin.
come, take my hand, skin on skin, raw knowledge of flesh
and bestial temptation.
let's fly, ride along this degenerate country side,
then, have talks about philosophical contemplation,
man mades corrupted, under cover, communistic nation,
a life time of humiliation, degradation.
oh this tangled web we weave, they say!
when in that mess we hold the key to our slowly, slipping sanity.
such animosity! look at what the past has done to me,
those wretched, self-absorbed beasts!
i was so lost! nowhere to go but down, falling faster through the quicksand ground,
society chewed me up and spit me out. the numbers just hiking up, an absurd death-toll count.
in my coffin, nailed shut within this mound,
for all i struggled i could make no sound.
then, you came. grasped my wrists and yanked me out,
out of an abyss so profound,
a nightmare of villainous, metaphoric blood hounds.
come now, youre dumbfound? listen all and gather 'round.
my mind is a wasteland of miscreant misplaced wrath,
images of heinous acted blood baths, did you get that?
im the fucked up modern day riff raff,
searching for meaning in alleyways out back.
in the past i fell into this cycle of a violent way to function,
a sick and meticulous cannibalistic self destruction.
my sanity long since had been abducted,
society had sucked me into its never-ending corruption.
but hold on, then, all went quiet, my insides burned in a silent riot.
shooting across the sky like and out of control pilot, a burning, super nova, cosmic object.
cradled in fire, space and my eyes spied it. it crashed into me with such power words defy it.
my mind went numb, this magic amplified it,
then when my eyes ceased to be blinded,
i opened them and took in the scene that surrounded.
hope, smiles and laughter drowned me, i was embraced by happiness that left me confounded
and who brought me all this light? you did.
you took hold of my body and held on tight,
gently sewed on my wings so i may finally fly,
and mercy how i cried, to finally smile and feel warmth inside.
oh, you fallen angel of mine, our love will last to the ends of time.

REALLY OLD.

Her scream broke the silence
Unsettled nature’s nerves,
A scream dripping with confusion ;
Confusion and desperation.
A scream that cried out for help;
And yet no one listened,
her thoughts drifted out of her head,
Soaring far from the ground ,
The ground which she sat ;
And up past the clouds .
They came to rest in the embrace of fire,
Dancing and shining bright with the stars,
Peering down at the world they once knew,
A world of concrete floors and metal cars,
A world of flashing lights and nightmares.
A world in which she wanted to escape,
She wanted so badly to be able to fly away
Fly away along with those thoughts,
To become part of her daydreams,
Part of her fairytale endings,
Where life was full of love and joy,
Full of honesty and devotion,
a world that did not exist,
The deeper she fell into her despair,
The dimmer her star grew,
And with her eyes leaking,
Her finger snapped the trigger and all was silent,
Her star grew dark and cold, until it fell,
A burning object of cold fire,
That pierced the sky like a siren’s call,
So if stars were just our happiest thoughts,
Then we’re all just falling from the heavens, aren’t we.
Just waiting for our own to drop out of the sky.
What a dark night it will be.

god, when i look in the mirror.

IM DONE.

i am tired of this. im tired of where i see myself going and im tired of how im getting there. i dont want to be the person i see in the mirror anymore, i want to be the person i know i can be. the person who i see, lying there inside of me, just screaming to be let out. but i keep surpressing her, shutting her out, pushing her farther down until it seems that she's starting to fade. then what? i can't stay the way i am, not the whole way at least. ill admit, i am a good person, but im drowning in myself it seems. im becoming too much for even myself to take. it feels like im slipping, disappearing into the background of the world, almost as if ive just given up; and in some ways i have. sometimes i feel as if ill be consumed, swallowed up by all the darkness inside of me, inside my mind; but then i find that faint, flickering light and i crawl towards it. but it is so hard, so hard to fight towards the little hope i have left because it just seems so much easier to allow myself to sink. to just fall from grace. i want to, so bad, but i wont let myself. because i know that id regret it, like im already doing. i regret allowing myself to fall so far down into this despair, this deep, dark hole. its a struggle, one i dont know if ill have to go through alone. im frightened. so terribly frightened of losing this fight. each day i come home and i seem to just watch the tears fall down my face, not even knowing the reason as to why they are. i cry so much for myself and for others, for how desperately i want to change things and make them better, but it seems so impossible for me to. im trying though, trying so hard to hold on and to fix things, trying so hard to be the girl i know i can be. there's such a strong light in me, and i know its there, but its being suffocated. im strong, but not strong enough to not need help. i need to let go of the past that haunts me, i need to let go of things i cant change, i need so much, but i only give myself so little. im tired. im tired of living in this same, repetitive cycle of disappointment, of shame. im tired of feeling like i wont amount to anything, like ive fucked up in ever becoming anything more. i want to push myself forward, i want to be able to see the beauty in the world like i used to, i want to be me again.

im running. running, but i seem to go nowhere. running, but not as fast as i want. i realize i'm not only running, i'm fleeing. then i feel it, the emotions i was only moments ago unaware of. fear constricts my mind, ceases my heart and seems to encase me so tight that i struggle to breath. i'm panicing, inside my head i'm screaming so loudly that even though i haven't uttered a sound mt throat feels raw. my lungs aren't filling with air fast enough, and desperately my eyes are searching for an answer. it's dark. darker than dark, the kind of dark where you can't see your hand spread out before your eyes. and i am frightened, terrified of what the next step in the road is. then it happens, i feel it. pain erupts over my body, over every inch of my skin, i taste blood inside my mouth. a salt and copper taste that is bitter to my tongue, and a soreness settles throughout my bones. hands are grabbing me so tightly it burns and when i open my mouth to scream i can't, no sound comes out because this fear has rendered me silent. then it continues on from there, a scene too graphic to put into words. a scene full of cutting, rape, and blood. a thrashing, silently screaming girl, her eyes flooding with saltwater tears and her mind calling out for mercy, writhing on a cold floor in agony and trauma, and no one ever there to save her.

the nightmare, reoccuring during my sleep for years. and although i know when i close my eyes that there is a possibility this scene will show up in my subconcious, i am never prepared for how real it seems. events that have left me scarred both emotionally and physically that i seem to supress with all my might during the day, rear their grotesque faces at night. over the years it's become easier, easier to move on, but never enough to not have those nightmares. never enough to make them vanish completely. and i dread, i dread those nights where i wake up screaming or crying, where i jolt upwards out of bed in shocking fright. i've come to think that maybe, just maybe these nightmares are enhanced by how much i store in my mind and the stress these thoughts cause, so maybe if i use what i know helps, my writing, to express these thoughts, then the nightmares will lessen. they won't be as frequent as they have been. life isn't a pretty thing for anyone, no matter how rich or well-off a person is, there is always something in their path to cause them to struggle, and little things like thoughts, dreams, and nightmares are reminders of this. eventually though, once we have completely moved on, once we've found the way to let go of the pain and the scars, then those dreadful reminders can disappear. then you can be set free, i can be set free. then, it won't hurt anymore, it won't tear down your hope or smile. it will be left behind, where it should be.

oh some more writing.

when the record begins to play
spitting out a tune i know as my lullaby,
the moon spins into view, dancing
its way over my room.
little doll eyes heavy with sleep
her thoughts and dreams begin to seep
into the room, spilling magic like
buckets of paint onto the walls
vibrant colors coming to life
shooting stars that never vanish out of sight
a musicbox that sings songs of love
brilliance, faith and turtle doves,
and the hope is alive, burning
like fire in this space
with a heart so wide open she
risks drowning in love but
wants no other options
she chooses to pick her way through
the corruption, with fireflies to light
the way and your hand to guide her.

- - - - - - -

your love embraces me more hotly than flames,
and it seems my eyes are burned white by the brilliance of your smile.
god, what i would do to pick the stars from the sky and hand them to you,
although they could never be as magical as your soul,
in fact, your eyes should trade places with the stars in the sky
so that this barren world can witness true magic.

- - - - - - -

youre so fucking stupid, and youre blind to it.
open your eyes before i leave you behind.
in the near future i hope to accomplish this:
breaking your neck and slitting your wrists.

- - - - - - -

i'm being weighed down by shackles,
linked together and fused with your unhappiness,
i'm trapped, locked in this tower
for what seems an eternity,
until one day my prince will come
and set me free.

- - - - - - -

take another hit, and while your slippin' slit your wrists. all you know how to do is spit shit, get caught up in the drama and then get lynched. climbing higher and higher up that grapevine bullshit. your mind knows the truth but your mouth fabricates it.