FAIRYTALE.

Once upon a time, is how this story starts,
a quaint little tale that’s sure to touch your hearts.
You see, in a land unlike our own and very far away,
strange creatures were abundant and always out to play.
One of the inhabitants of this magical land,
was a pretty young girl, hair full of curls,
named Susie O’Callaghan.
Now sweet, little Susie was a quiet child,
with nothing but kindness to give,
she is the one who made this small town such a sunny place to live.

However, not all within this land consisted of smiles and laughter,
there is a possibility this story will lack any happily ever after.
You see the leader of this kingdom was a morbid one of sorts,
along with a cruel and frightening group of bestial cohorts.
A powerful fairy, his wisdom and skill outshining all those above,
however he was greatly lacking in the complex field of love.
Until one day, on a whim, he decided to take a walk,
and there she was, all alone, perched atop a rock.

This little girl named curly sue,
was sitting all alone.
When along came the fairy,
right into her view,
and began to lull a song.

'Oh sweet little girl with that sunny smile,
whatever should I do?
It seems my heart’s been stolen away,
the minute I laid eyes on you! '

“Oh charming little creature who's made of magic and love,
I know not of this spell that you are speaking of,
surely you can't have fallen so swiftly over me?
Because to my heart there is a boy who already holds the key.”

These words struck the king, and filled his heart with rage,
and with a wild wave of his magical hand he materialized a cage.
Then he roughly grabbed our gentle, bright-eyed girl,
and tossed her in behind cold bars, a caged angel framed with curls.
She screamed and yelled, frazzled and confused,
the poor, sweet darling hadn’t an idea of what to do.
She kicked, she cried, she fought with all her might,
but her efforts were to no prevail and her heart was ceased in fright.

Lucky for her there was a bird, just flying overhead,
who had witnessed the entire thing and from the scene he fled.
Flew his way all the way back to where he knew was safe and sound,
then lowered his head, closed his wings and dove back to the ground.
There the little one found the boy he knew to be as Sam,
and told him of the fairy king’s evil little plan.

Without hesitation Sam took off to save the day,
his mind ablaze with worry and not a moment to delay.
Back at the castle the king was on his feet, wildly rushing around,
making plans for a large wedding with the new wife he had found.
During all these preparations, though, little curly Sue,
sulked and in her mind could only think that this act the king would rue.

The king had little Sue dolled and made up nice,
covered in jewels and smelling like flowers, honey and spice.
With tears in her eyes, this prisoned angel walked down the aisle,
each step she took weighed her down, feeling like a mile.
When they reached the alter, the king spoke his vows with eloquence and grace,
and when it was Susie’s turn she‘d forgotten what to say.

Rage filled up the king’s eyes and if he’d spoken his words would’ve been rash,
but he never got the chance fore they were startled by a crash.
The door fell down with a resounding sound, slamming to the floor,
and there stood Samuel, tall and brave and several creatures more.
In they went and out swords sprung, a battle instantly ensued,
a vigorous, bloody, and all-around violent feud.

The king ran forth, his sword swung out, and had all aim for Sam,
but Sam was much too quick for him and cut off the King’s right hand.
Outraged and scared the king fell down to his knees,
and the room filled with his loud and begging pleas.
Samuel went to work of freeing his beloved, darling Sue,
and the two of them began to speak of what they should do.

Now it seems we are reaching the ends of this tale,
and wouldn’t you know it, it seems love did prevail.
Before we come to a complete close on this story though,
I’ll tell you what occurred after Samuel and Sue went home.
The king was overthrown, taken to a prisoner’s cell,
it seems he’d overused his power and from his grace he fell.
Soon after the trial and the king’s sentence for life,
Samuel got to one knee and asked Susie to be his wife.
The two were wed, an occasion in which all were there,
and the two lived happily ever after, full of happiness, love, and care.

a letter to my heart.

a letter to my heart,

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the torment ive put you through and all that youve dealt with from me. i'm sorry for how much you ache, and all the cracks that scar your skin. i'm sorry for all the hurtful memories and all the tears. i'm sorry for letting you be used, mistreated and abused. i am so sorry. i am so sorry for letting you be taken advantage of, for letting you be ripped and torn apart. i am sorry for letting you be so carelessly taken care of, walked all over, and bruised so badly. i am sorry for all the walls youve had to surround yourself in, and im sorry for how weak youve become. i'm sorry for all that you have had to be put through, i am sorry for how deeply youve been crushed. i am so sorry for how slowly you seem to be breaking. i know it seems like it'll never get better, but it will. you see that don't you? its already getting better, we just needed some help for us to see that light at the end of a darkened tunnel. we needed someone on our side, to pick us up and tell us to let go of the past. i know, you feel like that person is going to hurt you too, don't you? youre scared. i understand that you are and i know, that someone has already hurt you before, but it's made you better hasn't it? and everyone hurts another every now and then, dont they? but you know that this someone, well, theyve been such a big help and so fast. i can see that you realize this by the way you speed up whenever he is in the room. i see it by the way you slow down when he's near, when his lips are so close. i know by the way you seem to whisper his name with every beat. right now he's whats keeping your hopes up, right? well, i'll try my best to take care of you, and patch you up, hopefully he will too. i'm sorry though, for everything. unfortunately we don't know what is in store for us, what will happen in the future and i can't control it, nor can i change the past. we just have to keep fighting, and hopefully get stronger. just, hold on.

lovingly, me.

MORE WRITING.

to you, you my moon, my stars, my every light,
how you shine, shine ever so bright; in my life.
my north star guiding me into your arms, once more.
and tonight we lay here staring up at the sky, flying,
oh flying ever so high on the euphoric sensation of love thats you and i.
there will be no love lost and painful goodbyes
because all i see when i look into your eyes is a love that defies.
so much passion it fills me inside,
brimming with a light that shatters the night.
oh fight, fight with passion and might
to save my soul from this condemning onslaught of fright.
my prince, clad in white, armor shining and fighting the antagonistic bite
of this fairytale story thought up for young tikes,
but were no longer young, you and i.
so we dont let those lies clutter our minds.
we accept that in the end theres always goodbyes
but for once in my life i feel this flame wont die.
it will fly and my love will only intensify
and as long as you, my prince, stay by my side
i have no reason to fear this dark, deadly night.
my one and only, an angel sent to my life,
the minute we kissed my world overflowed with light.
sent from the sky to complete my heart, oh my,
and now that i have you ive banished all contrites, and i cry!
screaming towards the heavens with my eyes
that to say i can live without you is a leviathinic lie.
its true, oh true that my life, my soul is nothing but you.

WRITING

what is this? my eyes burned white with brilliance,
as i open my eyes. a new day, a new life,
with you by my everlasting side.
alas, i see now this worlds not all sin,
where dreams die, new hope can begin.
come, take my hand, skin on skin, raw knowledge of flesh
and bestial temptation.
let's fly, ride along this degenerate country side,
then, have talks about philosophical contemplation,
man mades corrupted, under cover, communistic nation,
a life time of humiliation, degradation.
oh this tangled web we weave, they say!
when in that mess we hold the key to our slowly, slipping sanity.
such animosity! look at what the past has done to me,
those wretched, self-absorbed beasts!
i was so lost! nowhere to go but down, falling faster through the quicksand ground,
society chewed me up and spit me out. the numbers just hiking up, an absurd death-toll count.
in my coffin, nailed shut within this mound,
for all i struggled i could make no sound.
then, you came. grasped my wrists and yanked me out,
out of an abyss so profound,
a nightmare of villainous, metaphoric blood hounds.
come now, youre dumbfound? listen all and gather 'round.
my mind is a wasteland of miscreant misplaced wrath,
images of heinous acted blood baths, did you get that?
im the fucked up modern day riff raff,
searching for meaning in alleyways out back.
in the past i fell into this cycle of a violent way to function,
a sick and meticulous cannibalistic self destruction.
my sanity long since had been abducted,
society had sucked me into its never-ending corruption.
but hold on, then, all went quiet, my insides burned in a silent riot.
shooting across the sky like and out of control pilot, a burning, super nova, cosmic object.
cradled in fire, space and my eyes spied it. it crashed into me with such power words defy it.
my mind went numb, this magic amplified it,
then when my eyes ceased to be blinded,
i opened them and took in the scene that surrounded.
hope, smiles and laughter drowned me, i was embraced by happiness that left me confounded
and who brought me all this light? you did.
you took hold of my body and held on tight,
gently sewed on my wings so i may finally fly,
and mercy how i cried, to finally smile and feel warmth inside.
oh, you fallen angel of mine, our love will last to the ends of time.

REALLY OLD.

Her scream broke the silence
Unsettled nature’s nerves,
A scream dripping with confusion ;
Confusion and desperation.
A scream that cried out for help;
And yet no one listened,
her thoughts drifted out of her head,
Soaring far from the ground ,
The ground which she sat ;
And up past the clouds .
They came to rest in the embrace of fire,
Dancing and shining bright with the stars,
Peering down at the world they once knew,
A world of concrete floors and metal cars,
A world of flashing lights and nightmares.
A world in which she wanted to escape,
She wanted so badly to be able to fly away
Fly away along with those thoughts,
To become part of her daydreams,
Part of her fairytale endings,
Where life was full of love and joy,
Full of honesty and devotion,
a world that did not exist,
The deeper she fell into her despair,
The dimmer her star grew,
And with her eyes leaking,
Her finger snapped the trigger and all was silent,
Her star grew dark and cold, until it fell,
A burning object of cold fire,
That pierced the sky like a siren’s call,
So if stars were just our happiest thoughts,
Then we’re all just falling from the heavens, aren’t we.
Just waiting for our own to drop out of the sky.
What a dark night it will be.

god, when i look in the mirror.

IM DONE.

i am tired of this. im tired of where i see myself going and im tired of how im getting there. i dont want to be the person i see in the mirror anymore, i want to be the person i know i can be. the person who i see, lying there inside of me, just screaming to be let out. but i keep surpressing her, shutting her out, pushing her farther down until it seems that she's starting to fade. then what? i can't stay the way i am, not the whole way at least. ill admit, i am a good person, but im drowning in myself it seems. im becoming too much for even myself to take. it feels like im slipping, disappearing into the background of the world, almost as if ive just given up; and in some ways i have. sometimes i feel as if ill be consumed, swallowed up by all the darkness inside of me, inside my mind; but then i find that faint, flickering light and i crawl towards it. but it is so hard, so hard to fight towards the little hope i have left because it just seems so much easier to allow myself to sink. to just fall from grace. i want to, so bad, but i wont let myself. because i know that id regret it, like im already doing. i regret allowing myself to fall so far down into this despair, this deep, dark hole. its a struggle, one i dont know if ill have to go through alone. im frightened. so terribly frightened of losing this fight. each day i come home and i seem to just watch the tears fall down my face, not even knowing the reason as to why they are. i cry so much for myself and for others, for how desperately i want to change things and make them better, but it seems so impossible for me to. im trying though, trying so hard to hold on and to fix things, trying so hard to be the girl i know i can be. there's such a strong light in me, and i know its there, but its being suffocated. im strong, but not strong enough to not need help. i need to let go of the past that haunts me, i need to let go of things i cant change, i need so much, but i only give myself so little. im tired. im tired of living in this same, repetitive cycle of disappointment, of shame. im tired of feeling like i wont amount to anything, like ive fucked up in ever becoming anything more. i want to push myself forward, i want to be able to see the beauty in the world like i used to, i want to be me again.

im running. running, but i seem to go nowhere. running, but not as fast as i want. i realize i'm not only running, i'm fleeing. then i feel it, the emotions i was only moments ago unaware of. fear constricts my mind, ceases my heart and seems to encase me so tight that i struggle to breath. i'm panicing, inside my head i'm screaming so loudly that even though i haven't uttered a sound mt throat feels raw. my lungs aren't filling with air fast enough, and desperately my eyes are searching for an answer. it's dark. darker than dark, the kind of dark where you can't see your hand spread out before your eyes. and i am frightened, terrified of what the next step in the road is. then it happens, i feel it. pain erupts over my body, over every inch of my skin, i taste blood inside my mouth. a salt and copper taste that is bitter to my tongue, and a soreness settles throughout my bones. hands are grabbing me so tightly it burns and when i open my mouth to scream i can't, no sound comes out because this fear has rendered me silent. then it continues on from there, a scene too graphic to put into words. a scene full of cutting, rape, and blood. a thrashing, silently screaming girl, her eyes flooding with saltwater tears and her mind calling out for mercy, writhing on a cold floor in agony and trauma, and no one ever there to save her.

the nightmare, reoccuring during my sleep for years. and although i know when i close my eyes that there is a possibility this scene will show up in my subconcious, i am never prepared for how real it seems. events that have left me scarred both emotionally and physically that i seem to supress with all my might during the day, rear their grotesque faces at night. over the years it's become easier, easier to move on, but never enough to not have those nightmares. never enough to make them vanish completely. and i dread, i dread those nights where i wake up screaming or crying, where i jolt upwards out of bed in shocking fright. i've come to think that maybe, just maybe these nightmares are enhanced by how much i store in my mind and the stress these thoughts cause, so maybe if i use what i know helps, my writing, to express these thoughts, then the nightmares will lessen. they won't be as frequent as they have been. life isn't a pretty thing for anyone, no matter how rich or well-off a person is, there is always something in their path to cause them to struggle, and little things like thoughts, dreams, and nightmares are reminders of this. eventually though, once we have completely moved on, once we've found the way to let go of the pain and the scars, then those dreadful reminders can disappear. then you can be set free, i can be set free. then, it won't hurt anymore, it won't tear down your hope or smile. it will be left behind, where it should be.

oh some more writing.

when the record begins to play
spitting out a tune i know as my lullaby,
the moon spins into view, dancing
its way over my room.
little doll eyes heavy with sleep
her thoughts and dreams begin to seep
into the room, spilling magic like
buckets of paint onto the walls
vibrant colors coming to life
shooting stars that never vanish out of sight
a musicbox that sings songs of love
brilliance, faith and turtle doves,
and the hope is alive, burning
like fire in this space
with a heart so wide open she
risks drowning in love but
wants no other options
she chooses to pick her way through
the corruption, with fireflies to light
the way and your hand to guide her.

- - - - - - -

your love embraces me more hotly than flames,
and it seems my eyes are burned white by the brilliance of your smile.
god, what i would do to pick the stars from the sky and hand them to you,
although they could never be as magical as your soul,
in fact, your eyes should trade places with the stars in the sky
so that this barren world can witness true magic.

- - - - - - -

youre so fucking stupid, and youre blind to it.
open your eyes before i leave you behind.
in the near future i hope to accomplish this:
breaking your neck and slitting your wrists.

- - - - - - -

i'm being weighed down by shackles,
linked together and fused with your unhappiness,
i'm trapped, locked in this tower
for what seems an eternity,
until one day my prince will come
and set me free.

- - - - - - -

take another hit, and while your slippin' slit your wrists. all you know how to do is spit shit, get caught up in the drama and then get lynched. climbing higher and higher up that grapevine bullshit. your mind knows the truth but your mouth fabricates it.