im running. running, but i seem to go nowhere. running, but not as fast as i want. i realize i'm not only running, i'm fleeing. then i feel it, the emotions i was only moments ago unaware of. fear constricts my mind, ceases my heart and seems to encase me so tight that i struggle to breath. i'm panicing, inside my head i'm screaming so loudly that even though i haven't uttered a sound mt throat feels raw. my lungs aren't filling with air fast enough, and desperately my eyes are searching for an answer. it's dark. darker than dark, the kind of dark where you can't see your hand spread out before your eyes. and i am frightened, terrified of what the next step in the road is. then it happens, i feel it. pain erupts over my body, over every inch of my skin, i taste blood inside my mouth. a salt and copper taste that is bitter to my tongue, and a soreness settles throughout my bones. hands are grabbing me so tightly it burns and when i open my mouth to scream i can't, no sound comes out because this fear has rendered me silent. then it continues on from there, a scene too graphic to put into words. a scene full of cutting, rape, and blood. a thrashing, silently screaming girl, her eyes flooding with saltwater tears and her mind calling out for mercy, writhing on a cold floor in agony and trauma, and no one ever there to save her.
the nightmare, reoccuring during my sleep for years. and although i know when i close my eyes that there is a possibility this scene will show up in my subconcious, i am never prepared for how real it seems. events that have left me scarred both emotionally and physically that i seem to supress with all my might during the day, rear their grotesque faces at night. over the years it's become easier, easier to move on, but never enough to not have those nightmares. never enough to make them vanish completely. and i dread, i dread those nights where i wake up screaming or crying, where i jolt upwards out of bed in shocking fright. i've come to think that maybe, just maybe these nightmares are enhanced by how much i store in my mind and the stress these thoughts cause, so maybe if i use what i know helps, my writing, to express these thoughts, then the nightmares will lessen. they won't be as frequent as they have been. life isn't a pretty thing for anyone, no matter how rich or well-off a person is, there is always something in their path to cause them to struggle, and little things like thoughts, dreams, and nightmares are reminders of this. eventually though, once we have completely moved on, once we've found the way to let go of the pain and the scars, then those dreadful reminders can disappear. then you can be set free, i can be set free. then, it won't hurt anymore, it won't tear down your hope or smile. it will be left behind, where it should be.