god, ive been drowning for so long.

the tides are rushing in, can your love save me this time?

all i need tonight, is your body heat entwined with mine.

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer,

do you know youre unlike any other?

you'll always be my thunder.

have you ever been afraid of yourself? afraid to be alone with yourself, afraid to think, to speak, to be locked inside of your mind because you dont know what may lurk inside your thoughts? i have. im the only person who truly frightens myself. your own self is always going to be your greatest enemy, you can lead to your greatest downfall. im scared to be left alone, to feel alone, because then i think. when i think, its dangerous. when i think i slip into this downward slope. sometimes my mind is so dark i dont know how to find my way out, find my way towards the light. the walls of my head drip with tar, rusty, jagged points protrude from their depths and slimy, thick vines race along the edges. my mind is tattered and worn, and everyday it wears thinner. who knows what will happen when i reach the end of my road, who knows who will be there waiting, im ready for the ride though, and anything that comes my way.

i taste the filter in my mouth, watch the smoke from my cigarette swirl up and settle into the rest of the polluted night air. the nicotine fills my system, my nerves loosen and the night is still. everything is still. a look to my left reveals empty beer cans and vodka bottles littering the surface of a hard, wooden table. a look to my right? scattered pieces of a dutch used to roll, and the bitter smell of marajuana, grey ashes and cigarette butts carelessly left in one corner. various snack foods and trash thrown about, all sorts of music heard, all holding some kind of techno, screamo or indie-esque quality. this is the scene, common teenagers, dripping with the scents of drugs, alcohol, sex, drama, indecision and smoke. our eyes dilated, our minds drunk off of simply living. can you look in the mirror, or any reflective surface, and say you are different? take that tape across your mouth off, the piece that says LIAR in bold, sharpie ink. deep down, inside of us all is each other, we are all derived from one thing, and we are all connected. we are all copies of each other, imperfect copies, that through the years took on subtle changes. if you strip us, though, rip off our masks and bleed out all our insecurities, beneath the bricks we are all hollow. we are all bones and feelings, nothing more. we are all one of the same. i close my eyes, letting the euphoria of all these revelations take over me and i sigh. its a sigh of contentment because i understand. i understand what life is, i understand reality and what surrounds me, the only thing i cant understand is myself, but im okay with that. life is adventure, experiences and moments that stay engraved on your skin and in your heart. you have all the time in the world to understand yourself, i dont want to waste the time i have to make memories on trying to analyze myself. ill grow, learn and change with every passing day, either for the better or worse. ive got scars, ive got someone screaming inside of me, and thats okay. i bask in these nights, when its just me and those who love me, surrounded by the crisp night air. the stars scattered across the sky, barely visible but you know that they are still there. crazy hormones, countless doubts, and adrenaline pumping swiftly through our thin veins. insanity, bittersweet and exhilarating. youthful nights, when you know you have all your life ahead of you, so many more stories to create and tell. when in the spur of the moment you can all hold hands and dive off a cliff without regret. the feeling of knowing you can fly, the rush of knowing these are some of the best times youll have. never let it go, because i wont. were not all robots, we are human. we are going to make so many mistakes, our emotions will control us and we will possibly drown, but the rollar coaster rides are what makes this life. the tears, the smiles, the laughter, the harsh words and rage, each is a peice of who we are, and i love it all. we will find love and lose it, we will break down and build up, we will ultimately lose our minds to gain complete sanity. are you ready? cus im not, and that's just the way i want it.

can you see it? how each day is a blessing in disguise, how each simple word, each of the smallest actions can create the largest impact. a domino effect, a chain reaction. you have so much more power in this world than you allow yourself to see. you can choose to go down a path of compassion or travel down a road of violence, permanantly searching for redemption. ive seen both sides of the mirror, peered through the looking glass and fell out into the other side. ive visited both sides of the ying yang, ive embraced both good and evil. there was a time where i was an angel amongst heaven, and a time where i fell from my grace and my wings withered away. now i struggle, i struggle to sew my wings back on and fly. i lost myself, let myself drown in pressure and deciet. i allowed my heart to be swallowed whole by lies and broken trust, let my hope be dragged through rubbish and tarnished to the point of no return. when i fell, i fell hard. i pulled myself in, vacum tight, and refused to let myself out no matter how hard i screamed inside. the stress built up until it reached the point where it overflowed, waves that overwhelmed me. i let my mind grow black and anger consume me. eventually i pulled myself out, with the hands of others who wouldnt let go, and i found myself again. i walked inside of myself and found the real me, cradled in a dark corner, tears in her eyes but strength in her smile. i took her hand and led her out of the maze that was my insanity, and allowed the sun to kiss her face at last. all of my conviction, all of my passion, it came rushing back in a flood of colors and sensations. beautiful, it was. to breathe in once more, to be able to express the compassion i had thought id lost. to finally be free.

i taste you in the air, my soul can feel you there. oh, this love has swept me into a world ive drowned in. will you come find me or leave me in this desolate wasteland? i drink in your scent, visualizing a better world for us, raining magic and song, where my voice is your lullaby. take my hand, i'll show you all the beauty this world has hidden behind darkened corners. you have no idea yet, of what i have to offer. you've never seen the world through my eyes, you've not yet witnessed the planet in the aspect that i do. hidden treasures in open spaces, beautiful magic in the simplest places.

angst-ridden teens, basking in their prepubescence. when i close my eyes its like ive opened a door to a new world, different scenarios pretaining to my deepest desires. i can feel the rush of ice water surrounding my ankles and biting my skin. a rush of chills racing over my pale skin, my blood pumping with adrenaline. i can smell it, taste the salt that's heavy in the air. i hear the crashing, the rolling of violent waves. can you see the blue water beneath my skin? our eyes are security cameras stuck within the sockets. you watch me, watch me tread the border of sanity and an abyss of nothing. you watch me, keeping your distance because you are afraid of me. they are all afraid of me, afraid that i am contagious. some would think the way my mind functions is close to insanity, not normal. there is no normalcy in this world. there is corruption, there is trauma and struggle. blood, screaming, bruises, bodies, so much hate and pain. that has become our 'normal' it has become what we live with day by day, a numbing realization. an acceptance, a welcome to pain and a lost hope for anything more. but then, there are some. some that struggle to wade their way through the murky depths of our own hell and reach towards that sliver of hope still left. and when they reach it the world sees something beautiful. light, life, love, the touch of the wind on a summer's day, the calming smell of fresh fallen rain, the sound of music coming from the summer swallows. the world takes a step outside of that darkness it had once encased itself in and breathes in the air. inhales all the magic this world has left and glows from the inside out, just as we do. our pores bursting with light, our hearts leaping, shining, singing. this is all so new to me, these feelings, these sensations. i inhale and my body processes freedom. its beautiful. its as if ive opened my true eyes and the world is nothing but colors and beauty. i can catch glimpses of the old me, the girl i kept buried beneath my slipping sanity. shes finally come back, finally clawed through it all and broke the surface. i can rest at ease now, i feel content, i feel happy, i can smile. i am almost there.

i miss you. so much.
but im waiting for you to miss me.

latest update.

h e l l o w o r l d,

so, the latest news? i'm eighteen, i've moved out of my house, and i'm currently living with a close friend. pretty crazy, huh? it's a lot better this way, though. i've relieved so much stress, and i feel completely weightless. it's a beautiful thing to go to sleep at night without feeling alone; empty. this weekend i really took a step back and evaluated myself and i can see that im doing the right thing, whats best for me and everyone else. then, i went to a party in hoboken, haha. went with my babygirl megan and had some amazing nights. from friday when i hung out with joey and crashed at erin's house, which was a ton of laughs, to saturday where we drank, smoked, and lived all night long, to sunday which was full of messy hair, cigarette smoke, car rides and oujia boards, my weekend was full of smiles and laughs. i went to my first anger management class today, one that i enrolled myself into so i can get better. it was awkward, and i had a tense feeling in my stomach, but it soon went away. i think these classes will really help. im surrounding myself with my old frends, making new memories and trying to let go of my bitter past. trying to banish the nightmares that cling to my skin, dripping with spite from my pores. im trying to push past the struggle, break through the surface of this self-torture ive been drowning myself in, and slowly it's working. and to the people i left when i moved away from my old home, im sorry. im sorry that i didnt really say goodbye and im sorry that ive seemed to have locked you all up in this little box that ive chained shut and left aside. i havent forgotten any of you, but there are a select few id rather not make total contact with just yet. there are specific reasons as to why, and whenever youd like to know, if you can guess who you few are, then ask me. i'll tell you. ive realized a lot, too. like how much people lie, even the ones youd never expected to. how different things seem and how much things change. i barely know what im saying right now, because im so tired that my eyelids are drooping. ill keep you all updated, but for now, wish me luck. im trying to be someone that can make you proud.

moremoremore.

My hearts bleeding out, desperately fleeing south
into the pits of the devil’s acidic mouth.
Blatantly your sins laid out in front of you,
bitch you’ve been trapped, now what should you do?
Scream all you want no one will hear your cries,
because once the devil’s got you you can kiss it all goodbye.
Teen pregnancies, gangbangs and rape crimes,
blown out the water as the corruption climbs,
mouth and eyes sewn shut so were nothing but mimes.
The hour glass is fucking flipped, you’ve been wasting your time.
What can you do now? Cover your eyes, run away and try to hide,
push it all aside and hide behind more lies?
You need a quick fix, go ahead, take another sip
and while youre slippin' slit your wrists.
i'll watch the blood flow out and fill that ditch
that i dug for you, pulled out all your hopes and dreams, its true,
filled it up with death and screams.
all you know is how to get fucked up,
to run your mouth and then get cut up, won't shut up,
spilling this bullshit from your mouth,
but when that jaw breaks the truth's gonna come out.
god damn it i can hear it, you can see that i feel it,
that when she screams my imagination runs wild,
the innocence in her eyes is that of a childs;
and the bloodlust that fills my eyes
is expressed through her screaming until it dies,
and all that remains after this hellish demise
is a bloodless corpse and a note left aside,
life is but a bitter sweet procrastination to your inevitable annihilation,
an assassination due to the truth’s constant fabrication,
he was so slowly possessed by Satan.
he stands in front of a jury of fallen angels,
piercing eyes and the black wings that betrayal gave them,
he pleads his case but he isn’t able to convince to them that his mind is stable.
they look at him with sick, twisted grins and their ominous words soon begin,
they scream you liar, liar. your fucking house is on fire.
this glass tastes bloody, so how ‘bout you chew it louder. coward!
turned to violence for power when he couldn’t
run away from his problems that towered,
you can’t redeem yourself from this situation,
nothing you do can vindicate this,
you’ve been swallowed into the world of homicide,
trapped due to this heinous acted crime,
shut the fuck up, it’s not fine, you have to face it,
stop running away and accept that you can’t change this,
you took your wrath and selfishly misplaced it.