Wednesday, January 6, 2010

god, when i look in the mirror.


i am tired of this. im tired of where i see myself going and im tired of how im getting there. i dont want to be the person i see in the mirror anymore, i want to be the person i know i can be. the person who i see, lying there inside of me, just screaming to be let out. but i keep surpressing her, shutting her out, pushing her farther down until it seems that she's starting to fade. then what? i can't stay the way i am, not the whole way at least. ill admit, i am a good person, but im drowning in myself it seems. im becoming too much for even myself to take. it feels like im slipping, disappearing into the background of the world, almost as if ive just given up; and in some ways i have. sometimes i feel as if ill be consumed, swallowed up by all the darkness inside of me, inside my mind; but then i find that faint, flickering light and i crawl towards it. but it is so hard, so hard to fight towards the little hope i have left because it just seems so much easier to allow myself to sink. to just fall from grace. i want to, so bad, but i wont let myself. because i know that id regret it, like im already doing. i regret allowing myself to fall so far down into this despair, this deep, dark hole. its a struggle, one i dont know if ill have to go through alone. im frightened. so terribly frightened of losing this fight. each day i come home and i seem to just watch the tears fall down my face, not even knowing the reason as to why they are. i cry so much for myself and for others, for how desperately i want to change things and make them better, but it seems so impossible for me to. im trying though, trying so hard to hold on and to fix things, trying so hard to be the girl i know i can be. there's such a strong light in me, and i know its there, but its being suffocated. im strong, but not strong enough to not need help. i need to let go of the past that haunts me, i need to let go of things i cant change, i need so much, but i only give myself so little. im tired. im tired of living in this same, repetitive cycle of disappointment, of shame. im tired of feeling like i wont amount to anything, like ive fucked up in ever becoming anything more. i want to push myself forward, i want to be able to see the beauty in the world like i used to, i want to be me again.

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