god, when i look in the mirror.

IM DONE.

i am tired of this. im tired of where i see myself going and im tired of how im getting there. i dont want to be the person i see in the mirror anymore, i want to be the person i know i can be. the person who i see, lying there inside of me, just screaming to be let out. but i keep surpressing her, shutting her out, pushing her farther down until it seems that she's starting to fade. then what? i can't stay the way i am, not the whole way at least. ill admit, i am a good person, but im drowning in myself it seems. im becoming too much for even myself to take. it feels like im slipping, disappearing into the background of the world, almost as if ive just given up; and in some ways i have. sometimes i feel as if ill be consumed, swallowed up by all the darkness inside of me, inside my mind; but then i find that faint, flickering light and i crawl towards it. but it is so hard, so hard to fight towards the little hope i have left because it just seems so much easier to allow myself to sink. to just fall from grace. i want to, so bad, but i wont let myself. because i know that id regret it, like im already doing. i regret allowing myself to fall so far down into this despair, this deep, dark hole. its a struggle, one i dont know if ill have to go through alone. im frightened. so terribly frightened of losing this fight. each day i come home and i seem to just watch the tears fall down my face, not even knowing the reason as to why they are. i cry so much for myself and for others, for how desperately i want to change things and make them better, but it seems so impossible for me to. im trying though, trying so hard to hold on and to fix things, trying so hard to be the girl i know i can be. there's such a strong light in me, and i know its there, but its being suffocated. im strong, but not strong enough to not need help. i need to let go of the past that haunts me, i need to let go of things i cant change, i need so much, but i only give myself so little. im tired. im tired of living in this same, repetitive cycle of disappointment, of shame. im tired of feeling like i wont amount to anything, like ive fucked up in ever becoming anything more. i want to push myself forward, i want to be able to see the beauty in the world like i used to, i want to be me again.

im running. running, but i seem to go nowhere. running, but not as fast as i want. i realize i'm not only running, i'm fleeing. then i feel it, the emotions i was only moments ago unaware of. fear constricts my mind, ceases my heart and seems to encase me so tight that i struggle to breath. i'm panicing, inside my head i'm screaming so loudly that even though i haven't uttered a sound mt throat feels raw. my lungs aren't filling with air fast enough, and desperately my eyes are searching for an answer. it's dark. darker than dark, the kind of dark where you can't see your hand spread out before your eyes. and i am frightened, terrified of what the next step in the road is. then it happens, i feel it. pain erupts over my body, over every inch of my skin, i taste blood inside my mouth. a salt and copper taste that is bitter to my tongue, and a soreness settles throughout my bones. hands are grabbing me so tightly it burns and when i open my mouth to scream i can't, no sound comes out because this fear has rendered me silent. then it continues on from there, a scene too graphic to put into words. a scene full of cutting, rape, and blood. a thrashing, silently screaming girl, her eyes flooding with saltwater tears and her mind calling out for mercy, writhing on a cold floor in agony and trauma, and no one ever there to save her.

the nightmare, reoccuring during my sleep for years. and although i know when i close my eyes that there is a possibility this scene will show up in my subconcious, i am never prepared for how real it seems. events that have left me scarred both emotionally and physically that i seem to supress with all my might during the day, rear their grotesque faces at night. over the years it's become easier, easier to move on, but never enough to not have those nightmares. never enough to make them vanish completely. and i dread, i dread those nights where i wake up screaming or crying, where i jolt upwards out of bed in shocking fright. i've come to think that maybe, just maybe these nightmares are enhanced by how much i store in my mind and the stress these thoughts cause, so maybe if i use what i know helps, my writing, to express these thoughts, then the nightmares will lessen. they won't be as frequent as they have been. life isn't a pretty thing for anyone, no matter how rich or well-off a person is, there is always something in their path to cause them to struggle, and little things like thoughts, dreams, and nightmares are reminders of this. eventually though, once we have completely moved on, once we've found the way to let go of the pain and the scars, then those dreadful reminders can disappear. then you can be set free, i can be set free. then, it won't hurt anymore, it won't tear down your hope or smile. it will be left behind, where it should be.

oh some more writing.

when the record begins to play
spitting out a tune i know as my lullaby,
the moon spins into view, dancing
its way over my room.
little doll eyes heavy with sleep
her thoughts and dreams begin to seep
into the room, spilling magic like
buckets of paint onto the walls
vibrant colors coming to life
shooting stars that never vanish out of sight
a musicbox that sings songs of love
brilliance, faith and turtle doves,
and the hope is alive, burning
like fire in this space
with a heart so wide open she
risks drowning in love but
wants no other options
she chooses to pick her way through
the corruption, with fireflies to light
the way and your hand to guide her.

- - - - - - -

your love embraces me more hotly than flames,
and it seems my eyes are burned white by the brilliance of your smile.
god, what i would do to pick the stars from the sky and hand them to you,
although they could never be as magical as your soul,
in fact, your eyes should trade places with the stars in the sky
so that this barren world can witness true magic.

- - - - - - -

youre so fucking stupid, and youre blind to it.
open your eyes before i leave you behind.
in the near future i hope to accomplish this:
breaking your neck and slitting your wrists.

- - - - - - -

i'm being weighed down by shackles,
linked together and fused with your unhappiness,
i'm trapped, locked in this tower
for what seems an eternity,
until one day my prince will come
and set me free.

- - - - - - -

take another hit, and while your slippin' slit your wrists. all you know how to do is spit shit, get caught up in the drama and then get lynched. climbing higher and higher up that grapevine bullshit. your mind knows the truth but your mouth fabricates it.

adoration, love, and inevitability.

you have a smile that makes the word weak,

it never fails to bring me to my knees.

and its true, love, that day by day,

youve done nothing less than take my breath away.

and its because of you that my smile is real,

and for once i have no doubt in what i feel,

its been so long since i trusted someone so fast,

ill do whatever it takes to make this last.

because you put the stars back into my night sky,

and in my dreams with im flying so high,

past the clouds, headfirst into eternity,

relishing the euphoria of your love for me,

you bring out the sun when its nothing but rain,

something that no one can do the same,

youve been nothing but magic from the very start,

its amazing all this love youve put in my heart

hello there love, i just needed to say,

that as i was thinking of you, on the cold winters day,

something which i always do,

yes, my thoughts are undeniably you.

i was greeted most abruptly by the moon

and a soft, sad song he began to croon,

and i asked him why he seemed so blue.

and he told me the reason, that reason was you!

well you can believe my surprise at this shocking fact

and hastily i began my act.

i questioned the moon on what crime you pursued

to make the magical rock so blue,

he replied to me with an impish grin

and said your crime was complete perfection.

he went on to say how your eyes outshined

all of his most radient stars combined

and i smiled to myself at the time

and said well, that boy is mine,

and you can wish with all your might

but ill hold on to that boys love so tight,

that even your magic can't steal him away from me,

because in my heart's where hes supposed to be.

and i sit here, my mind reeling with such revelation

that it leaves me breathless, vulnerable and kneeling.

my fingertips and heart numb of all feeling.

hollow, deeper than empty and yet full.

full of an epiphany that ive run away from for far too long.

and i sit, much too weak to stand but not enough to lay down and die,

and here i am watching, observing the corruption which we so shamefully call humanity,

a society in which reality is warped into something far more twisted than whats real,

like a nightmare, one that pulls you down so deep you choke,

unable to feel the suns warmth or even catch a glimpse of the nights stars.

this is it, this is your utter downfall, you.

you are the one responsible for your own demise

a thought so personal that theres a sickening calm to the suicide.

almost as if it were subconciously premeditated, and who knows, perhaps it was.

this is it, what the universe has been secretly washing into our slumbering minds,

what weve so long been trained for, a war on humanity, a war against ourselves.

the ultimate test to our own self control, and it is an inevitability that we will lose

because this is the fate in which we choose.

heartbroken.

my heart is aching, god, so slowly it's breaking,
i'm crushed and trapped and yours for the taking.
youre eyes decieve me, im hardly breathing,
and the words you say don't aid the healing.
my trust you shattered, my thoughts are scattered, my mind so battered,
by such a deception, its out of the question to go a minute without a tear.
i'm crushed down and silently bleeding,
and inside my ears i continue this screaming,
in betrayl, sorrow, rage and fear,
my heart's cracking so loud, everyone can hear.

and oh dear god, how did this happen,
take me out of this cage im trapped in,
humanity has lost all its compassion,
its obvious with all these corrupted actions.
i can't fathom a completely sane reaction,
all i want to do is take her face and bash it.

youve done this to me, broken me down,
left me crying so much the world lost all sound,
you can't even begin to make a comprehension,
of the pain i feel and the bulding tension,
it's like i'm walking down the row to a death sentance,
and what you're doing is looking for repention,
and you would think my heart would yearn for vengeance,
but i'm not something this world invented.

i don't think with a corrupted outlook, perspective,
i wear my heart on my sleeve where it's barely protected.
and this feeling just spreads through me like an infection,
draining me of my breath as you seek redemption.
there must have been some kind of misconception
for you to have followed out with such a deception.

and while the days pass, slowly i'll climb,
to breath again and take a step at a time,
because i refuse to let this world break me,
you can wear me down but you will never take me.

dark.

liar, liar
body on fire
the glass tastes bloody,
so chew it louder.

- - -

miss mary mack, mack, mack,
all dressed in black, black, black,
she has a knife, knife, knife,
stuck in her back, back, back,
she cannot breathe, breathe, breathe,
she cannot cry, cry, cry,
thats why she begs, begs, begs,
she begs to die, die, die.

MORE WRITING.

and when she screams my imagination runs wild ,

the innocence in her eyes is that of a childs

and the bloodlust that fills my eyes is expressed

through her screaming until it dies

and all that remains after this hellish demise

is a bloodless corpse and a note left aside,

life is but a bitter sweet procrastination

to your inevitable annihilation '

- - -

and as the moon embraced me with its beauty and lit the sky with its light,

and the stars scattered across the night sky like precious jewels,

spread among its black canvas like an admonishing smile,

i was filled with the realization of there still being magic

in this world full of corruption and brutality

and that despite the cruelties of the society in which we so shamefully live in today,

there will always be magic and miracles among us in life's most beautiful and simple of things

- - -

a girl like this comes only once in a blue moon,
that smile that brightens up the world, and transfixes a room,
however, her only problems this,
she wears her heart on her sleeve and fresh cuts on her wrist.

- - -

take my soul and let it sleep,
let it sleep in peace and harmony.
it's a request you've never fulfilled,
and i'm begging you now with my tears,
can i convey to you the corruption i've seen,
can i tolerate this insanity a moment longer.

it's a simple answer, no.

take me away and cradle me,
embrace me with a love i've not experienced,
show me a friendship that has not fallen,
one that is whole, and not shattered.
drown me in a love that has not been stabbed,
with jagged edges of jealousy or hate coming forth from its depths.
drown me in something more than sorrow.
drown me in happiness.

open my eyes to a newer world, one where my hand is never empty.
lead me down a path that turns its eyes away from the pain.
enlighten me, surround me, suffocate me, kill me.
because it's what you've done before.
filling my heads with foolish ideals and foley.
the only way out being a quiet, and endless sleep.

just take me away, take me away from here, please.
dear you, sincerely me.

- - -

id like to tell the world a little secret,
when i give you my heart i expect you to keep it,
as in keep it safe, sound, and away from pain,
and never treat it as a game.
i expect you to love me and hold me tight
and steer us away from petty fights,
i expect a love that could steal my breath
and drain me of passion 'till there's nothing left.
your eyes give me butterflies so strong they bring me to my knees,
and i hear the birds singing perched in the trees,
and so many of these stars blinded my eyes
when you told me how you hate to see me cry.
the moment i saw you i was hypnotized
and i miss you before weve even said goodbye.
i try so hard to make you see
how honest love is supposed to be,
but something tells me youre still guarding your heart
and i feel like it's going to push us apart.
its so hard for me to do anything but frown,
on these morbid days when you let me down,
because youre the boy who can make or break my days,
with something as simple as what you say.
its days like these that give my heart all these cracks,
because i feel like i'm reaching out only to be pushed back.
a sensitive heart that just cries to be loved,
coveted and cherished and thought precious of,
i want to drown in your voice, touch and kiss,
but for you to see me, its like i have to insist,
maybe it's my mind playing a trick on me,
but i don't feel as important as i want to be.
yearning for consideration to my fragile soul,
i want you to love me and never let me go.